I’m Serious by childgrower A. Woz.

My stomach still hurts and I bent a nail backward but my daughter got the message that I’m serious. I am done with her disrespectful behavior.

Or is it disrespect? maybe it is just anger? maybe she’s too tired? too much sugar at the party? Whatever the cause, it’s gotta go.

We are at a potluck to celebrate the end of the season and these ten year old team mates are all having a great time together. It is warm outside and they are playing hide and seek and basketball and loving the time together in the night.  A few families have left already and one girl is staying over night but the ones who are playing outside are really running wild.

Two hours and several desserts later it is time to go home and already I know that my player, number 13, is having too good of a time to want to leave without a fuss.

The chicken in me sends her big sister to drop the news that we are leaving and 10 minutes later, with my goodbyes done and those extra minutes of conversation over, I grab my empty dish and tell my daughter to say her goodbyes.

I hear her protest but I keep walking. I set a good example by saying goodnight to some of the girls as I pass by and I head to my car and get in. Player number 13 starts begging to stay later, longer, a little bit longer, mama.

I tell her that the party is over and that it is time to head home and I start up the car.

She opens the door, leans in with the top half of her wiry self, firmly plants her her soccer cleats into the grass and starts the begging to try and get permission to stay late.

I tell her again that it is time to go and remind her that I will physically put her in the car if she does not get in.  She doesn’t. So I do.

I roll the windows down to stop her from yelling, “I hate you!” and “You are so mean,” because I know this is just an act. She stops yelling so her friends won’t hear her, but kicks in the repetitive whining in a lower voice and pleads, “I want to stay, I want to stay, I want to stay, I want to stay…”

She is angry, but thankfully, not willing to be embarrassed.

We drive a block and she kicks it up a notch. She unbuckles and starts hitting me in the shoulder while reminding me I am mean and she hates me.
I am sure that she is going to feel bad about this outburst-  I understand that she wants to be with her friends – but I’m beyond irritated with her behavior.

It takes all of my years of parenting goofs to keep me focused on handling this properly. I’m tired of the guilt-ridden feeling after yelling back at her during past tirades. I’m tired of feeling like I needed a timeout more than she did after one of her fits. I’m tired of seeing myself lose my cool when I’m asking her to keep hers.

I channel all my previous mistakes into a meaningful moment of mommy seriousness.  Acting like I deserve the gift of being given a child to grow, I know that this is my moment to live up to the honor.

I drive another block toward home with my lips gripped together in a very straight line and try some deep breathing exercises but a half-block further, I realize that she isn’t going to let up- and buckle up- and I have to take some action.

I pullover, okay, I sort of hit the brakes hard for effect and pull over to the side and tell her to get out of the car until she can ride wearing the seat belt and without verbally abusing me.  She does not believe me.

But I believe me.

I am fighting with myself not to yell just like she is and despite all the aggravation of her tantrum, I am able to think back to a time when I would have lost it and screamed right back at her and added a few swear words for good measure. I remember how bad I felt then, and I don’t want the sore throat either. Mostly, I want to do it right this time. I want to win the tantrum battle ONE TIME, fair and square. I am drawing on every ounce of patience and parenting skill that I’ve gleaned from books and tapes and seminars and conversations with girlfriends who are also mothers of what we call, “children who are just like we were as kids.”

My poooooor parents.

Meanwhile, I have a kid who is figuring out that I’m serious but is paralyzed with the fear that I am going to leave her on the side of the road. Part of me wants to sarcastically tell her to get out and walk back to the party.

I see a bit of fear on her face. This makes me relax my own face, I try to replace my angry grimace with a calm assuring face and worry that if I don’t handle this tonight, I’ll be dealing with a 17 year old who is out of control.  This fear puts my super-human-mother-strength in gear, and gives me the courage to back up my request with action.

I pull an unwilling child out of the back seat of a car where I demand that she choose to follow my rules in the car or to stand outside until she is ready. Surprisingly, none of the neighborhood porches light up to bear witness to my screaming child’s pleas.  I am both relieved and embarrassed. Am I really handling this situation or am I making it worse?

She believes I will leave her there, though I have never felt that is an option. I could never leave my child on the side of any road, and I don’t threaten to leave, though it would be easier than diffusing this full blown fit.

In a mere 5 seconds, she is back in the car, seat-belted and silent.

My breathing is heavy and I am shaking from somewhere deep in my stomach. I have an enormous headache and I am having difficulty focusing on driving. But my child is contained and quiet, and my job as a parent is secure – until the next critical situation.  I take comfort in knowing that the whole thing is over in four blocks.  Cars are hard places to have these kinds of disagreements but if we had been at home, I know that this could have been a four hour ordeal.

Flipping thru the radio stations I cannot seem to pick up a station with music.  All I’m getting is static and news. I want something soothing but cannot find a thing. I switch on the cd player, and skip through the cds sailing past her favorites, Taylor Swift , Hannah Montana knowing I’m not going to give the tantrum thrower the satisfaction of her music. I’ll have to work on that punishment part…but meanwhile I’m taking the long cut home and head out on the highway. 

What I really need is a beam of light to shine down on me or an audience to respond to a cue card with thundering applause.  I want affirmation that I’m doing something right as a mom. I am in emotional pain. She is, too, she’s been struggling with these behaviors as long as I have. I have failed to help her conquer them for a decade.  I humbly admit I have too few answers to so many hard questions.

My finger stops stabbing the cd changer when I hit the next disc and in an aha moment, I recognize the voice of James Lehman as it floods the car through CD number four.  An odd sense of relief comes over me.  I crank up the volume, mentally measuring my responses tonight against the list making sure I did something to help my girl this time instead of adding to the list of issues she’ll work on in therapy about 10 years from now.

My daughter is covering her ears, but she is listening to every word. I am crying and so is she.  Both of us are silent, but we are saying so much.   

There is no excuse for abuse, kids benefit from actually experiencing the consequence, stop the conversation and disengage, tell them you will not let them talk to you that way, walk away, don’t allow their excuses to distract you from what is their responsibility to do, parents must consistently ask for change, but it is up to your child to do the changing…

Now what is an appropriate consequence after this behavior?

### Annita Woz, for EP.

Flapping Seal Flippers by childgrower A. Woz.

“Anger is fear turned outward.” anonymous. 

I was standing at the sidewalk waiting for my three kids to come out of the school building so we could take quick trip to the store and get a winter coat and a hat for my daughter.  While waiting, I got into a conversation with another parent about some issues that are making her very unhappy. She was talking a mile a minute, sort of loudly and gesturing like the flapping front flippers of a seal after performing a behavior worthy of a few raw fish.

I wanted to duck out-of-the-way of the next act but she honestly wouldn’t take a breath. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like people flock to me as a problem solver. They are mostly just parents who are new to the whole idea of letting another adult teach their children. The school system is all new territory full of mean teachers like they had when they were kids, I suppose.

For some of the parents, the school day kind of robs them of their place in their child’s life and as they adjust to the emptiness of not being present for every accomplishment, they fill the void by critically assessing all the people and places that are connected to their child while separated.

Parents naturally want their children to get the best education they can and add an unreasonable expectation that their kid will be happy while they are getting it.

We didn’t love every minute of school, but we think our kids will?

Yes! Parents like me want to see smiling faces, hear reports about loving the latest math test and when my child comes out of the brick building at the end of the day, I wish I could peer inside his head and see the needle pointing at the  “advanced learning happened today” on the learning gauge.

I also seem to have an invisible sign on my forehead that invites people to just open up and let ‘er rip.

The gymnasium is so small, kids need to run.

The teacher is so unorganized, the kids need structure.

The day is so structured the kids need free time to be kids.

The fundraising is out of control  and they should just stop buying so many paperclips and funnel that money to a better playground.

I ws the same, I think.  A friend of mine with a high schooler remarked that his youngest who is 3rd grade has introduced him to a whole different set of parents. They are all younger, (what! no grey hairs of wisdom and experience?)  and they are also just as vocal if not more worried than we were at that point in our lives.

They are afraid of the unknown and they don’t hesitate to admit it. School sidewalks are full of moms and dads who take parenting seriously enough to worry about controlling every aspect of their child’s environment and trying to create a fairytale story of fluffy, happy experiences 24/7. Homework should be fun! Learning fractions should be fun!

I know that if there is a way to invent a feelings thermometer to measure the degree of happiness for each school age kid, I could sell a dozen a day to parents who are just like I once was-  a happy face always stands for an A+, and a frowny Mr. Poison face means school is a bad place.

As a new elementary school parent, I had not been given a reason to trust the people who were going to see my child for more hours in a day than I would.   I wanted the teacher to see my child’s special talents, to look out for him,  and worry along with me – would my child be brilliant? would he handle the learning environment? would he be bullied? would he learn to love reading enough to get him through a lifetime of learning?

Watching through the classroom door I was angry because I was afraid for my child’s future, maybe all parents are.

The advice I got from the school principal came in the form of an offer.  He told me, “Get to know us.  We love children and you’ll find that we always do our very best. “

Flapping flippers and all, I stopped watching the playground, and stopped worrying out loud to anyone who would listen.  Some say,  we always find the time to do the things that really matter-  so, I stopped spying through the classroom door and stepped inside to volunteer.

###by childgrower A. Woz.

Sit Still or Go Sailing? by childgrower A. Woz.

A few weeks ago a major story in the news was whether or not to allow 14 year old girl to sail solo around the world. The authorities were concerned for her safety, parental responsibility was questioned, and a court order delayed the trip while the legalities were sorted out.

Should a young person be sailing the ocean, alone,  if this is what she believes she can do?

Sir Ken Robinson’s 2006 TED presentation about how children learn and how success in school is defined,  includes a warning about the processes followed for typical schools teaching largely to the math and language disciplines and relegating the arts and physical movement to last on the priorities list.

Can classroom instruction prepare a child to sail solo around the world?

Perhaps the bigger question should be asked-  how much classroom instruction is required to inspire a child to want to sail around the world?

Yesterday’s sailors, bridge builders, explorers, entrepreneurs, the self-made success stories of our nation, did not sit still in a classroom. Yes, they had instruction. Some had money and some had none.

Some shadowed actors to learn languages, some came from other countries and apprenticed with master carpenters and studied ancient trades.   

Some consulted with poets and philosophers and imagined new endings based on the inspiration of authors and teachers and built on top of  those basics,  true.

But those who rose to the challenge, to a duty, to the necessity of surviving, applied what was learned in books,  then added their own ideas and took advantage of an opportunity,  turned a profit,  then earned an income and provided for their families-  all great things achieved, despite facing language barriers,  disparate poverty levels and uncontrolled public health risks.

I doubt many of them sat still, and many of them probably didn’t “fit in” either.

Robinson’s conclusion is that formalized education, adopted in the 1900’s as a result of the industrial revolution with the primary focus on preparing workers to succeed in the production of goods to meet demand, will not meet tomorrow’s workplace demands.

Robinson argues that in the future, the future that our kids will master, they will have to succeed in a new arena and worries our educational system requiring kids to sit still, perfecting rote memorization- requiring teaching to a test as a measure of a person’s capabilities-  is unfair to those who are born with talents that lie outside of the factory floor assembly line mentality of current public school systems.

It makes sense.

Take for example the current “greening” of America. Policies and production are now shifted to sustainable local production and creatively recycling what had been invented for another purpose and downsizing reliance on “stuff”, taking advantage of reusing what we already have at our disposal rather than wasting precious resources on what will fill a landfill at the end of it’s present use.

If this is the start of the changes in our economy and the income potential follows this trend, then  tomorrow’s graduates will need to be prepared via a new educational system that relies more on the agility and creativity of the mind to solve problems rather than the mere organizational capabilities necessary to efficiently turn plastic into inanimate objects for sale on a shelf. 

And perhaps this generation of ADHD kids, autistic kids, aspergers kids, is really the new way of thinking.

What if focusing these minds to fit in with the silent concentrators or medicating their minds by suppressing these alternative styles is backward?

Maybe we should be seeking wasy to release the talents they arrive with onl earth and let them sing out, move about and hope they infect their classmates and teachers with their unusual approach to a uniform world and follow them as they turn the current educational model on its ear.

Our educational system should be growing a mind that values visual and artistic interpretation, requires creativity to forge cooperative national leaders and relies less on force and more on communicating shared histories and finding new  methods to solve new problems.

The future may depend upon a student body that is as emotional as it is resistant to following a schematic, a student mind that is less of a servant to the predictable and defined normalcy and a learning environment free of desks and full of the wind and sails and skills that take them around the world.

Today’s students are tomorrows leaders needing both the skills to launch an organization into an alternative route and the insight to seek solutions bigger than the shrinking world of countries connected so closely by technology.  Tomorrow’s think-tanks will combine the best of all nations cooperating to solve new world-wide issues needing new processes for a host of formerly unimagined problems. 

Robinson suggests that math and language are important, if not equal to the artistic and creative side and education should develop both. 

It is hard to imagine what the future is going to be like, but requires no great leap to see that every child in the world dances, reacts to music, is touched by the sounds of songs and rhythm, this universal language.

Not every young person falls in love with math and grammar, but find one that can resist dancing to the radio.

It is not difficult to surmise that music, the arts, unbridled curiosity and creativity may be the bridge that crosses an entire planet to become the common ground not just across our country, but across all nations, the common language of music, or art, may be the creativity that opens communication and enable people to respond and unify resources around the globe.

With creativity we create new technologies, new tools and maybe even new languages,  perhaps a language rooted in song or harmonious movement, will be necessary to handle natural disasters, climate adjustments and the ever larger challenge of feeding the hungry, fighting disease, eliminating violence.

Robinson’s lesson is that we don’t need to teach creativity in classrooms, we just need to assign it value in today’s educational model and nurture it, and nurture the children with these talents and abilities.

Will a solid education based in recitation and teaching to a test prepare the next generation?  It is a good foundation that may just need a stint of sailing around the world to perfect it.

Even one semester of college teaches a student that he or she is not the center of the universe and opens the eyes of students to new ways of thinking and new thinking about old ways. 

Perhaps texting, technology and social networking are skills that tomorrow’s leaders will rely upon to connect them far beyond their classroom lectures and is a  necessary preparation for running a world that does not have borders defined by cubicles of worker bees with advanced degrees in sitting still.  

### November 4th, Childgrower Blog post by A. Woz.

No chore in watching TV by childgrower A. Woz.

A Nielsen Co. reports kids are watching more television than ever and television viewing for children ages 2-11 is the highest since 1995.  Kids ages 6-11 watch 28 hours a week with about 4.5 hours on DVD.  And worse, kids age 2-5 are watching 32 hours- yes, that’s even more than the 6-11 year olds, presumably because they are not in school.

A quick assessment of my kids viewing habits revealed that they watch about two hours a day and we get in a family movie night about twice a month.  Between sports practices, nightly homework and school and community events my kids appreciate and take advantage of down time, and usually it comes in the form of channel surfing especially if it is too late for the neighbor kids to come out to play. 

I’m not surprised about the Nielsen stats.

About a decade ago, there was a big push for educational television that could capture the infant and toddler population. Yes, really. Videos used the colors black, white and red since research showed those colors caught the attention of infant brains. Yes, TV for babies! I guess the thought was that if kids were watching more TV then they should be watching better quality TV.

I’m wondering if the amount of chores done by kids to help keep the house running smoothly has also decreased? Frankly, I don’t have time for television because I’m doing all the laundry and dishes while they watch.  If I could get the kids to do more laundry and dishes and trash duty then they’d also watch less TV.  If they want to help me cook or sort out the pile of power rangers and legos dotting the living room carpet then I could watch the nightly news- at least that would be something to feed the brain.

Oh, never mind, news is too violent. Maybe I’d rather have them watching  sitcoms.  Clearly watching TV is not brain development at it’s best, but they are occupied.

And being occupied is what it comes down to.

I admit it is much more work to engage my kids in a board game or a walk to the park than it is to turn on the tube. 

I don’t initiate interactive time at home unless it involves helping me keep the house running.  This seems to be a momism- we aren’t so hot at playing, but we are great at organizing and correcting! I cite lots of excuses for my kids tv viewing habits like:

• My kids time is already too structured and they need down time.
• My classic educational excuse of only watching public television or shows that are respectful of adults and language.
• I honestly would wrestle someone for the rights to alleviate my parental sleep deprivation with an hour of mindless television when the kids wake me at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning.

And what about together time? So where’s the statistics on TV watching with a parent?  Dad loves races our oldest daughter to the remote. The stress of his job and I guess the stress of her growing up job allows him to define TV watching as an activity affording the necessary together time for dad and daughter- who have so little time together- to explore interests and opinions of each other as they talk about the show.

Given the rise of childhood obesity, declining educational standards and the rates of health problems linked to an inactive lifestyle,  I can see why the media jumps on statistics like the 30 odd hours of couch potato madness. But, until TVs are powered by a family of viewers walking uphill on treadmills,  I think we are going to have some sedentary TV watching going on for a long time across America.

But there’s hope and it comes in the form of inquisitive kids who can play until they drop, then simply eat a handful of cheez-its and poof! they pop back up ready for a game of kickball while begging Dad to be all time pitcher. 

We read parenting books and work hard on patience, consistency and communication but kids instinctively know what is good for them. They don’t need to read it in the paper. When it comes right down to it, we might like the convenience of TV, but we really like what makes our kids happy (cuz when they are laughing, they aren’t arguing, talking back, hitting each other, etc!) 

We just have to be willing to listen. A frontline report from my three kids is a great example. We went out to dinner and then drove to the theatre (yes, sort of like inconvenient and expensive television) only find that the movie we wanted to see had started a half hour earlier than we thought.  As we drove away the kids spotted the local bowling alley and shouted out, “Lets go bowling!”

Dad and I looked at each other and made no argument. The kids chose something active and they were all in agreement.  No sibling rivalry! Everyone was happy! Non-violent, brain engaging, physical stress relief for parents and kids! And I got out of doing the laundry!

### for EP by A. Woz. October 28, 2009.

What’s Scary about Halloween? by child grower A. Woz.

I’m a bit rattled this year because my daughter received an invitation to a fall party where the plan is to go trick-or-treating with her friends on Halloween night.  

That’s right, if she goes, one of the Woz goblins will not be with the rest of the clan this Halloween. This messes with a strong family tradition of holding the hands of our costumed children and leading them through the dark of night for the strange and contradictory festivities that are Halloween.

• Kids dress up in silly or scary costumes and then go and beg for candy from the neighbors who reward their threat of a trick by paying immediately with hush money paid in chocolates and taffy. 
• In pursuit of a pillowcase full of candy,  parents actively support breaking all the safety rules like going alone to the door, enticed by sweets to come closer, closer at the promise of sweets from a candy wielding stranger.
• And how about the outrageous and generous leniency of parents as we allow a ridiculous amount of candy to be consumed as long as mom and dad get to pick out of few favorite treats.

No wonder kids are scared on Halloween!  We are telling them to do everything we warn them not to do on any other day of the year!

But the bags of candy give mine courage and seeing a sidewalk full of friends doing the same makes October 31st rank right up there with the big ho-ho holiday.

Our entire family dresses up and takes to the streets.  Sometimes we make the dogs wear a coordinating outfit but we find it works best if we just drape glow in the dark necklaces around their collars.  Dad wears his decade old gorilla mask and his college graduation gown and and I usually frequent a witch’s hat and sometimes add a splotch of warty looking crunchy peanut butter on my nose. 

My daughter is not happy with me when, without my witch costume, I say, “I am not sure I’m okay with the party idea,”  My daughter wails, as if wearing one of those white Scream masks,  “Mmmooooooooooom, that’s not fair!”

Am I worried about safety?  I completely trust the parents of her ten year old friend but am I ready to give up my place as the protector from the dark spooky night to another parent?

Am I worried about the high fructose corn syrup overload or the tummy ache? I’m absolutely sure she will eat too much candy and I know she will run wild.  Her giggle (or cackle if she is in costume) will lead a pack of silly friends through safe streets and to countless pumpkin decorated doorsteps late into the night.

Am I worried that my ten year old is going to be a trouble maker? Her friends are not the type to take things to the level of pumpkin smashing or toilet papering.  As a parent who never lets my kids run in a parking lot, how can I be okay with letting her run the streets with friends on Halloween, in the dark, yelling like lunatics, and dare is say, having a wild and fun time being unrestrained and living a little bit on the edge of tweens threshold of bravery.

Back in the day (ahem) the only unsupervised kids on Halloween were the ones who knew they were actually too old to go door to door, but who were embracing the trick part of the ask-for-candy equation. Maybe this is when haunted houses took over as a preventive for big kids running around in the moonlight with a flashlights, while wearing masks that provide limited anonymity in these neighborhoods and small towns where everyone knows everyone.

It’s something more that is bothering me, something bigger, something less concrete, something unstoppable, unchangeable-  something we have little control over- that darn growing up part.  For this year, this year only, I guess it is the end of another hectic but much loved family tradition.

Sigh.

Maybe I’ll feel better after I get my cut of the night’s haul.